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The Idle’s Hands Are the Devil’s Playground … for Conspiracy

It's South Orange County, so keep the grassy knolls well manicured and the yellow journalism more of an earth tone.

I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and worked more than 30 years for the Los Angeles Times, a newspaper that has won more than its share of Pulitzer Prizes for investigative reporting.

And even though I was a sportswriter for most of that time, I broke my share of stories. (It was I, after all, who first reported that Reggie Jackson had what looked like a nasty diaper rash on his butt before the playoffs began in 1982 and wouldn’t that surely hurt the Angels' chances of making it to the World Series?)

But now—in my new role as community clown, er, watchdog—I’m digging into the stories that will alter the course of our nation. And, after lengthy court battles to secure the truth by using the Freedom of Information Act, long nights poring over millions of pages of what are now wine-stained classified documents and the help of a number of secret sources—all right, and Wikipedia—the American Idle has uncovered compelling evidence that proves some of our nation’s leaders are not at all what they seem.

(OK, I made this stuff up like all the other conspiracy theorists … but if you want to believe it and spread it around the Internet, be my guest.)

                    * * *
A prominent South Orange County dentist—I’m not naming names, but she did win one of my inaugural People in This World Are Like Wienies awards earlier this year—has slipped the Idle an X-ray stolen from the White House Department of Dental Operations and Other Tooth-Oriented Stuff that proves what we’ve known all along: President Barack Obama has a teeny, tiny copy of the Koran hidden inside a false filling in his second left upper bicuspid.

Late at night, when no one is stirring, not even Michelle, he pulls it out, and—using the keen vision he honed as a boy hunting lions in Kenya—consults the holy scripture trying to find the inner fortitude to continue the quest to destroy the infidels in the decadent West and glorify all his homeboys in the Taliban. (Oh, yeah, and pushing through that health care deal that seems like the right thing to do on the surface—the civil, gracious, considerate-of-those-less-fortunate-than-you thing to do—but is really just a ploy to piss off rich people. I hear those Taliban dudes get a kick out of that.)

                                                                   * * *
A friend of a friend of a neighbor of a lady who does yoga with Newt Gingrich’s wife—you know, the girl he was sleeping with while chastising President Clinton for the Monica Lewinski affair—has handed over information to the Idle proving that former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s mother was a CIA operative captured during the Bay of Pigs and impregnated by Fidel Castro during interrogation. The female child had a Clapper implanted in her left buttock before being embedded back in the heartland of America to slowly blossom as a secret agent/assassin.

When the right time comes, an ugly lady posing as a print journalist—the perfect disguise—will clap Pelosi on the butt twice quickly in succession,  and Pelosi will kill Sarah Palin with her bare hands ... and then grow a robust, full beard.

                                                           * * *
The other day, while digging around in Rush Limbaugh’s backyard, the Idle discovered—in a hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar that looked as if it might have been licked clean—secret recordings that substantiate the widespread notion that Gov. Jerry Brown has reunited with former girlfriend Linda Ronstadt and refuses to answer to anything other than the nickname she gave him in the ‘70s, “Gov. Moonbeam.” (Wait until the “birthers” get hold of this. Isn’t this admission that he too is an illegal alien?)

The tapes reveal that he and Ronstadt are smoking a potent medicinal marijuana they call “Train Wreck” all day while plotting how to turn the Golden State over to the labor unions … when they’re not giggling hysterically, slurping coconut-cream-pie smoothies or singing “Different Drum” over and over.

Remember, Ronstadt once said she sang like a German and thought like a Mexican and wished it were the other way around … and that’s just plain un-American … isn’t it? (I keep envisioning Carlos Santana’s head sticking out of the turret of a tank invading Poland.)

                                                              * * *
Donald Trump’s people have passed to the Idle captured al-Qaida manuscripts detailing how the demise of Osama bin Laden means that documentary film director Michael Moore has moved up to third in command on the terrorist network’s organizational chart, which would make him more than just another “celebrity apprentice” … or maybe not.

Trump’s people claim that if you vote for him for president, he promises to sternly inform Moore, “You’re fired!” And then the world will be a much safer place and he can move on to more important matters, such as putting an end to exposé documentaries that cause wealthy people to look foolish … or, in Trump’s case—given the self-imposed ridicule he gets because of that helmet-head hairdo and a knack for saying really stupid stuff—even more idiotic.

                                                                 * * *
Thanks to an editor at the Drudge Report—an icon of Web journalism—the Idle has obtained a copy of a tweet by a 42-year-old man living in his mother’s basement near L.A.’s Chinatown revealing that Sen. Barbara Boxer is actually an agent working for Beijing. The tweet points out that Boxer “looks a little jaundice-y” and that her continued push for a public option in the heath care system is “a ploy to make Americans live longer to increase the market for Chinese lead-based products.”

The website source passed on supporting evidence acquired from rifling through Boxer’s trash. The document—OK, it’s a fortune from a cookie—reads: “Long life is rewarding.” Matt Drudge, the website's founder, took time from peeking under his bed to call and say, “Duh. Am I the only one who remembers that the Boxer Rebellion was a Chinese thing? Probably named after one of her ancestors.”

                                                                 * * *
During the course of this all-encompassing investigation, the Idle heard that actor John Cusack is calling for a satanic death cult to descend on Fox News.

I asked around, but all the satanic death cults I contacted said that they had talked to their boss and that the devil warned them of the risk that they could be bored to death before they get to any blood-letting … so they’re waiting for a more interesting target.

met00 May 09, 2011 at 06:15 PM
go Newt go! http://thinkprogress.org/2011/03/03/newt-gingrich-10-things/
met00 May 09, 2011 at 06:18 PM
You forgot Keith Olberman (a former sports neewsie like you) who was the product of a Cuban medical brain transplant operation paid for by Chavez in Venezuela with the goal of infiltrating Corporate America and making the people see the error of their ways and accept socialism.
Shripathi Kamath May 09, 2011 at 06:59 PM
http://thirdwives4newt.blogspot.com/ Eat your heart out, met00.
met00 May 09, 2011 at 07:07 PM
LMAO... I am such a sucky capitalist pig... I have kept the first one for going on 20 years now. I had best start planning my move to Cuba (which is a good thing, because I smoke cigars... my wife on the other hand may just leave me if we go there, so maybe that will get me wife #2 and I'll have to come back to America... that would be bad...)
Julie Flores May 09, 2011 at 07:17 PM
Thanks for the links SK and metOO!
Charlie Peters May 09, 2011 at 07:57 PM
Audit the fed, support HR459 Paul
Shripathi Kamath May 09, 2011 at 08:57 PM
My congressman Mr. Gary Miller already does. Unfortunately only 141 or so have co-sponsored it, and I have no idea why the Speaker of the House, Mr. John Boehner, (R - OH District 8) won't bring it to a vote. Do you? I like some of Paul's views on libertarianism, and disagree on others, but he is an interesting candidate who never gains much traction. He is vehemently in favor of legalizing prostitution and heroin use, for example. He is also in favor of getting our troops back home, cutting aid to Israel, etc. to address the deficit. He is also against a woman's right to choose, and should appeal to a broad base of fiscal and social conservatives.
Greyson Peltier May 09, 2011 at 09:16 PM
I agree.
met00 May 09, 2011 at 11:45 PM
I always have a problem with libertarianism. It sounds good, but it has a it's basis that there is no "public good". That roads will be built and people will pay to use them, so they will go where there are people willing to use the roads and pay for it. That leaves out the fact that a road has a public good, it allows Jim-Bob to get to his job, it allows goods to get to Jim-Bob, even if Jim-Bob lives in some backwater town. With 760 million 2010 dollars Hoover Dam was built. Libertarianism says that it shouldn't have been built by the government. But it's creation created thousands of jobs for the construction, thousands of jobs in operation and maintenance, and provided low cost electricity that allowed Las Vegas to exist (creating thousands if not millions of jobs). Money that was well spent on "public good" that Libertarians don't feel should have been based on their core philosophy. Is all spending by the government good? No, there is waste, fraud and abuse as well as corruption (see http://www.losalfacts.com/ for some local stuff). But that doesn't mean that it can't and does not work. It requires that the people take an more active role in participating, being the watchdogs. It requires transparency. And it requires lows, like the private attorney general act that we have in CA to allow the people to take action (like the Los Al people did) when there have been issues of question.
Shripathi Kamath May 10, 2011 at 12:09 AM
Viewed through a lens of either black or white, either true or false, and nothing else, I'd find it the same too. Which is why I carefully note "I like some of Paul's views on libertarianism, and disagree on others...". Here is the LP's official position on issues. http://www.lp.org/issues You will note, for example, that their position is pro-choice. But they phrase it a little less directly. Also note that they favor local control. What does that mean for individual liberty? Nothing. It means that instead of a federal government deciding what is good for us, it is the local government deciding what is good for us. It still is not rooted in ideologically strict individual liberty, for that would only be served completely by anarchy. In other words they are OK with 'socialism' as long as it is at the local level. To me, it is the most idealistically-pragmatic of the choices available today. I want a government that is largely liberal socially, and largely conservative fiscally. Today, the Democrats are largely moderate socially, and largely liberal fiscally. The Republicans are largely conservative socially, and largely liberal fiscally. As for government spending, I like to cite three: the Erie canal, the space program and the Internet, which were possible largely and perhaps only due to significant government spending, and we all benefit from it.
met00 May 10, 2011 at 12:28 AM
@SK, you have been sold a bill of goods. "The Republicans are largely conservative socially, and largely liberal fiscally." There was nothing fiscally conservative with "trickle down". The Chicago School is not fiscally conservative, it corporatist and aimed at not allowing a transfer of wealth from corporations and the wealthy to expand the middle class. Consider that, had the GOP run legislature and executive branches not messed with the Clinton budget and taxation (and started two wars of choice) there would be ZERO debt now. In fact, as of 2010 there would have been a two trillion dollar surplus. If you want I will be more than happy to provide links to charts and data that show that the whole "fiscal conservative" meme about the GOP is absolute hogwash, (as is their whole meme on how they are the hard on defense and protect the country). Lastly, you missed NASA. As someone with two stents in my heart, I am forever indebted to NASA for without that program in the 1960's, I would be pushing up daisy's now (and we wouldn't have the computers today if it had not been for NASA). Oh, and as they guy who was responsible for putting the 250th computer on the ARPAnet, may I just re-iterate what Vinton Cerf said, "Thank you Al Gore. Without you fighting for the funding, there would be no Internet." I know, because my paycheck at the time came directly from funds Gore fought for and secured for the R&D effort.
Charlie Peters May 10, 2011 at 12:31 AM
Will Governor Brown choose a CA/DCA/BAR Chief who can find out if what is broken on a Smog Check failed car gets fixed? A Smog Check secret shopper audit would cut toxic car impact 1500 tons per day while reducing cost by $billions. Chief Sherry Mehl, CA/DCA/BAR, has never found out if what is broken on a Smog Check failed car gets fixed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zl-Nrep74qg
Shripathi Kamath May 10, 2011 at 12:56 AM
You seem to have misread what I wrote, even though you cited it correctly. Try again, this time READ what I wrote, EVERY word, and then we can discuss how you are going to get me a refund
met00 May 10, 2011 at 03:21 AM
Damn, my eyes are failing me: :-) Yes, you mentioned "space program", I was looking for NASA... My error and I'm sorry. :-) And I did read it closely, and tried to make sure that I didn't take your statement out of context. This is the frame used by the GOP, and also by the villagers (the Washington press corps and the talking heads). The frame is NOT in touch with reality. The FACTS (those pesky things that liberals hippies like to use) show that the frame is 100% bull. Just like the National Security frame. The reality is that the GOP helps corporations and the wealthy, and if you are not in those two groups, you're hosed. The additional problem is that over the last 40 years the Democrats have moved more to the right, so now the center is almost leftist. The question, on a politician-by-politician level (forget party - (D), (R) or even (L)) has to be "are you a corporatist or not?" As long as we continue to elect corporatists, we will continue down the path of an ever shrinking middle class, loss of things like environmental protections, and a larger gap between that haves and have-nots.
Sandy Asper May 10, 2011 at 10:05 PM
Hiarious!!
John Froines May 11, 2011 at 04:28 PM
Still laughing at this. Wonderful satire. Nice to see some clear-headed thinking from some one in South Orange County. Lock you dorrs at night:-)
Chris McLaughlin May 11, 2011 at 07:17 PM
I have a couple of friends who are die-hard Libertarians. The best explanation of the current party political dynamics thaf I've heard is that the Dems want to be your Mom, the GOP wants to be your Dad, and the LP just wants to be your Neighbor. I think that works great, for local-level politics, but doesn't really scale well for State-level or higher political arenas. The LP sounds fairly reasonable in what they profess, but they always seem to have some way-out-there people as candidates. I know they're also upset about the Top Two/Open Primary that went into effect already (?), thinking that it's a deathnell for any serious third-party candidates for any significant office. (Not that any have gone very far so far...)
Julie Flores May 11, 2011 at 07:53 PM
wow, what was that about?
John Weyler May 11, 2011 at 10:03 PM
wow... two inappropriate comments that have been deleted before i even got to see them!!! julie email me and tell me what they said...
Shripathi Kamath May 11, 2011 at 11:02 PM
Allow me to summarize. Someone named Suzanne or Meredith (I am not sure the lady knows for sure) commented that since you were an LA Times alumnus, your article was stupid, wasteful of her time, and to be expected. I, in my infinitely charitable nature, found it fit to suggest that she fill in the necessary paperwork and get a refund. At which point she cleverly surmised my name, from .... my name, and said that she did not have the time to hang around and wait for me to make another helpful comment. To which I suggested that if she didn't have the time, she should consider scheduling an appointment. This made her reconsider and resort to what the Stalin Ruskies used to call: Scorched Earth. I followed suit. Julie did nothing.
John Weyler May 11, 2011 at 11:45 PM
i know julie didn't do anything; i figured she had seen the comments and could enlighten me... but you've done that... of course i still didn't get to see the scorching...
Julie Flores May 11, 2011 at 11:51 PM
Oh Shripathi (that is your name right?). Ha, I just didn't get the sudden burst of hostility. She seemed offended over a cleverly written and humorous article.
Shripathi Kamath May 11, 2011 at 11:59 PM
I hold you personally responsible, Julie. You are not talking your way out of this.
Julie Flores May 12, 2011 at 12:11 AM
OK OK, you caught me! Guilty as charged. Remember what I said, you have my photo for your dart sessions.
chris foster May 12, 2011 at 06:57 PM
Hey, let us not loose sight of who caused this: It's all John's fault, you commie...
Issac Ardenleno May 12, 2011 at 10:16 PM
NASA- Ha! If I was one of those conspiracy weirdoes I would mention that it was not the American government alone (or at all) that developed NASA. Nazi’s via Project Paperclip were put in charge and developed NASA with the help of the Devil worshiping, Anti-Christ loving, occultist Jack Parsons. Jack Parson referred to Alistar Crowley (Devil worshiping self proclaimed ‘Anti-Christ’) as: ‘Most Beloved Father’ and was a devoted follower of the O.T.O. (Crowley’s devil worshiping church) here in Pasadena. Jack Parsons invented rocket fuel- ATO rocket motor and APCP Rocket Propellant which was used and is used to launch our Space Shuttles, rockets, satellites, etc… (He also helped Oppenheimer figure out how to change uranium into plutonium) Wernher von Braun -NAZI inventor of the ballistic missile which unleashed Hitler’s vengeance on London and Americans was the head of NASA’s Marshall Space Flight. He led the development of the Saturn V booster rocket which was responsible for landing the 1st man on the moon. I think it’s obvious that any party in the political system is there to distract you and make you fight amongst yourself. You guys proved it here – it’s all emotion based- logic is thrown out the window. Fear or hatred or ‘patriotism’ are tools to control the masses. Architects of Mass Control use and perfect these techniques to keep you content, loyal, productive and distracted enough not to figure out who’s really in charge.
Gerald Celinte May 12, 2011 at 11:02 PM
Ahh yes commie a great punch line but shows how relativism comes into play just the way Subversion was meant to work the KGB would be very proud of their hard work. We don’t want to even contemplate the fact that the President or any public official isn’t really in charge. Most of you would rather get emotional about my views or statements rather than research history because it is bound to repeat itself. Read from their own historian Carroll Quigley- Tragedy and Hope and The Anglo American Establishment. You’ll see how the Wallace theory which later became Wallace Darwin theory which later became Darwin’s theory of evolution was introduced to get rid of religion and to introduce a fascist scientific technocracy which is responsible for Hitler’s final solution and many more tragedy’s including abortion. You’ll read about the Milner and Rhodes Roundtable Groups that set the agenda which we are living through. Read Brave New World by another one of their historians to see what your great grandkid’s will be living through and how some are already living today. Study Blavatsky’s theosophical society’s relativistic and devil worshiping religion her influence on the Nazi’s and now our New Age religions or ‘Age of Enlightenment’ or ‘2012’ or any other PHYSOP being devoured by the masses. Hey who would of thunk China - the Biggest Communist is the Biggest Capitalist. Isn't that an Oxymoron? or are we the Morons? there is no left or right! OBEY!
Gerald Celinte May 13, 2011 at 06:32 AM
Sorry if I did offend any newspaper journalist who are ardent Neo-Marxist- let's remember that Karl Marx was feeding the United States his commie propaganda courtesy of the New York Times (aka New-York Daily Tribune) not a couple of times not for a few years but 9 years of downloading the American people with his ideology.
Hugo Z. Hackenbush, M.D. May 15, 2011 at 05:19 PM
Hey, I'm a Marxist...think Harpo was the funniest, followed closely by Groucho and Chico...
Mike Roberts May 18, 2011 at 12:44 AM
Newt Gingrich adultery is a GOOD thing. It proves he will act boldly. His open flaunting of Callista shows that he isn't hanging his head; he is PROUD. He had the courage to move up to a younger, more beautiful wife. He didn't do it because it was right. He did it because he wanted it. Bold leaders seize what they want. President Gingrich will seize Nigerian oil, if it serves his interests and American interests. He won't worry about what the UN thinks any more than he cares what the fat-bottomed women think, the kind of women who support Hilliary Clinton. Obama has apparently had a spotless record as a husband. If he didn't have we can be sure that Hillary and McCain and Fox news would have found out. Does this make Obama good? NO. It shows he didn't maximize his advantage. He could have turned Michelle in for a young, blonde woman. Gingrich did. Hugh Hefner does it again and again. Gingrich is proving his manliness. People ask me if I am being sarcastic. Well, let me answer this way: is Gingrich acting wimpy and apologetic and hiding Callista? Nope. He understands that the real message is that Gingrich is a winner. He is fat and pompous but he can score a hot chick. So he flaunts it the way he would flaunt owning a red Ferrari. Mike Roberts thirdwives4newt.blogspot.com

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