I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and worked more than 30 years for the Los Angeles Times, a newspaper that has won more than its share of Pulitzer Prizes for investigative reporting.
And even though I was a sportswriter for most of that time, I broke my share of stories. (It was I, after all, who first reported that Reggie Jackson had what looked like a nasty diaper rash on his butt before the playoffs began in 1982 and wouldn’t that surely hurt the Angels' chances of making it to the World Series?)
But now—in my new role as community clown, er, watchdog—I’m digging into the stories that will alter the course of our nation. And, after lengthy court battles to secure the truth by using the Freedom of Information Act, long nights poring over millions of pages of what are now wine-stained classified documents and the help of a number of secret sources—all right, and Wikipedia—the American Idle has uncovered compelling evidence that proves some of our nation’s leaders are not at all what they seem.
(OK, I made this stuff up like all the other conspiracy theorists … but if you want to believe it and spread it around the Internet, be my guest.)
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A prominent South Orange County dentist—I’m not naming names, but she did win one of my inaugural People in This World Are Like Wienies awards earlier this year—has slipped the Idle an X-ray stolen from the White House Department of Dental Operations and Other Tooth-Oriented Stuff that proves what we’ve known all along: President Barack Obama has a teeny, tiny copy of the Koran hidden inside a false filling in his second left upper bicuspid.
Late at night, when no one is stirring, not even Michelle, he pulls it out, and—using the keen vision he honed as a boy hunting lions in Kenya—consults the holy scripture trying to find the inner fortitude to continue the quest to destroy the infidels in the decadent West and glorify all his homeboys in the Taliban. (Oh, yeah, and pushing through that health care deal that seems like the right thing to do on the surface—the civil, gracious, considerate-of-those-less-fortunate-than-you thing to do—but is really just a ploy to piss off rich people. I hear those Taliban dudes get a kick out of that.)
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A friend of a friend of a neighbor of a lady who does yoga with Newt Gingrich’s wife—you know, the girl he was sleeping with while chastising President Clinton for the Monica Lewinski affair—has handed over information to the Idle proving that former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s mother was a CIA operative captured during the Bay of Pigs and impregnated by Fidel Castro during interrogation. The female child had a Clapper implanted in her left buttock before being embedded back in the heartland of America to slowly blossom as a secret agent/assassin.
When the right time comes, an ugly lady posing as a print journalist—the perfect disguise—will clap Pelosi on the butt twice quickly in succession, and Pelosi will kill Sarah Palin with her bare hands ... and then grow a robust, full beard.
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The other day, while digging around in Rush Limbaugh’s backyard, the Idle discovered—in a hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar that looked as if it might have been licked clean—secret recordings that substantiate the widespread notion that Gov. Jerry Brown has reunited with former girlfriend Linda Ronstadt and refuses to answer to anything other than the nickname she gave him in the ‘70s, “Gov. Moonbeam.” (Wait until the “birthers” get hold of this. Isn’t this admission that he too is an illegal alien?)
The tapes reveal that he and Ronstadt are smoking a potent medicinal marijuana they call “Train Wreck” all day while plotting how to turn the Golden State over to the labor unions … when they’re not giggling hysterically, slurping coconut-cream-pie smoothies or singing “Different Drum” over and over.
Remember, Ronstadt once said she sang like a German and thought like a Mexican and wished it were the other way around … and that’s just plain un-American … isn’t it? (I keep envisioning Carlos Santana’s head sticking out of the turret of a tank invading Poland.)
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Donald Trump’s people have passed to the Idle captured al-Qaida manuscripts detailing how the demise of Osama bin Laden means that documentary film director Michael Moore has moved up to third in command on the terrorist network’s organizational chart, which would make him more than just another “celebrity apprentice” … or maybe not.
Trump’s people claim that if you vote for him for president, he promises to sternly inform Moore, “You’re fired!” And then the world will be a much safer place and he can move on to more important matters, such as putting an end to exposé documentaries that cause wealthy people to look foolish … or, in Trump’s case—given the self-imposed ridicule he gets because of that helmet-head hairdo and a knack for saying really stupid stuff—even more idiotic.
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Thanks to an editor at the Drudge Report—an icon of Web journalism—the Idle has obtained a copy of a tweet by a 42-year-old man living in his mother’s basement near L.A.’s Chinatown revealing that Sen. Barbara Boxer is actually an agent working for Beijing. The tweet points out that Boxer “looks a little jaundice-y” and that her continued push for a public option in the heath care system is “a ploy to make Americans live longer to increase the market for Chinese lead-based products.”
The website source passed on supporting evidence acquired from rifling through Boxer’s trash. The document—OK, it’s a fortune from a cookie—reads: “Long life is rewarding.” Matt Drudge, the website's founder, took time from peeking under his bed to call and say, “Duh. Am I the only one who remembers that the Boxer Rebellion was a Chinese thing? Probably named after one of her ancestors.”
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During the course of this all-encompassing investigation, the Idle heard that actor John Cusack is calling for a satanic death cult to descend on Fox News.
I asked around, but all the satanic death cults I contacted said that they had talked to their boss and that the devil warned them of the risk that they could be bored to death before they get to any blood-letting … so they’re waiting for a more interesting target.